The rest of the story

My midlife crisis began with playing an MMORPG and while gathering supplies and acquiring armor, having long conversations with other adult players about life, opportunities and of course, sex. While defeating monsters, I flirted and was initiated into sexting. I was a relative innocent sexually and knew absolutely nothing about BDSM. Based on a conversation with a particular friend, he had me watch “The Secretary” which opened my eyes to what I needed. He set up a rudimentary D/s, LDR relationship where he tested the waters of my submission and obedience. During the time we were together, he recognized my need for a physical relationship and assisted my navigation of online personal ads.

One day I found an ad that intrigued me. There were many words I did not totally understand but the words bondage and rope appeared to grow in size and pulse as I read it. With tremendous amounts of courage and a bit of daring, I responded to the ad. Wife, mother, soccer Mom – this act did not fit my identity but I had to do something. I could no longer live with this mystery and need deep inside me. And thus began a friendship with Sir that has grown through the years and weathered many obstacles, hurts, and setbacks. But with each situation, our friendship grew rather than wilt into obscurity.

Sir introduced me to bondage, impact play and power exchange. I finally felt whole and complete as a person. In these beginning years, Sir and I had a contract and when possible, I wore his collar. We saw each other when we could and enjoyed the friendship and the kink. Although we were long distance, I felt the constraint of the imaginary leash as I lived my life.

Every day small changes bring about major shifts eventually and for both of us, life got in the way of our relationship. Although our friendship remained solid, our relationship drifted apart physically and mentally. I often thought of ending the relationship and possibly finding another play partner but I felt I couldn’t betray the devotion I felt to Sir and our friendship. The years flowed by with little focus and even less communication on our power exchange needs. Assumptions were made by both of us and neither of us had the correct vocabulary to discuss our issues. And the outside world weighed heavily on both of us. For myself, the past year of the pandemic was a year of fear and depression.

Sir initiated a conversation of honesty and open communication at the beginning of this year. The changes in our relationship have opened the door to my unspoken desires, kinks and fetishes (and I believe his). We have work to do on our relationship. I have immense work to do unlocking my vault of desires, letting go of fear, and forgetting past assumptions. We are open to other partners so polyamory concerns must be considered. Friendship, trust and the desire to remain together will hopefully help us overcome potential issues.

The Back Story

How far back should one go to explain their life and decisions? Are my kinky interests predetermined by my genetics? From my genealogy research, I do know I have individuals that would take chances sexually. One close relative was a bigamist leaving his pregnant first wife with young children in the workhouse to emigrate with his “second wife” to America. I am shocked at this behavior and think it unique but others tell similar stories from their own family history. There is no way to determine if my unique DNA predisposed me to my personality and my traits.

Perhaps then I should look to my upbringing? I know there are events in my early childhood that stand out in my thoughts as catalysts to developing my love of bondage and my need for submission. Is it obligatory to be tied with rope in this period of childhood to develop a need for bondage? Maybe someone should study it but there are probably more people tied in childhood games that do not fall into kink. I admit it was my favorite game with neighborhood children. When I was perhaps 3 or 4, I did not enjoy going to sleep and my father put me outside the house one night, I was told to go play, and the door was closed. Does submission and obedience come from an episode like this? Perhaps this event can explain why the ropes are never tight enough to comfort me and tell me I am not abandoned. If I had not heard “Stop being bossy” over and over might I have taken the Dominant path and not been shamed by it? Does my shame tell me it is better to submit than dominate and thus, finally receive my parents praise? None of my questions or hunches can be proven and I have been done pondering them years ago.

Culturally I grew up in an uptight, pseudo-British household in the 60s to the 70s. I went through a rebellious hippie phase in order to get through high school. In college, feminism brought out my strong, powerful woman persona. A few degrees, a successful corporate career, a failed marriage and a second marriage with children later, I knew the past was not the life I wished to live. I gazed at the horizon and felt out of place with the world and knew I had my own personal work to do to find what was missing. The boxes society had forced me into did not work for me. I was ignorant about what was missing but I was going to look for it and find it.

I was in my early 50s but what did that matter? I ran half-marathons and felt healthy and sane. If not now, when? It was out there and I was determined to find it. I didn’t know what I was looking for but I would be open to life and hopefully it might find me.

Step right into my kinky world …

Dear Reader,

Welcome to my blog on kink, life and other miscellaneous topics that I wish to write about. I may write periodically since I will not allow my blog to become a chore but something I enjoy doing. There is too much on my must-do list already. The aim of my blog is to have fun writing and if perchance I deepen my knowledge of myself, I am overjoyed. I am new to WordPress so forgive my blogging faux pas.

I enjoy writing and it helps me cope with life and organize my thoughts and emotions. As an exhibitionist, I enjoy the illusion someone is reading my blog but don’t feel compelled to find readers. Topics will focus on my power exchange relationship with Sir, our kink activities, and my curiosity about polyamory. Although I do not live in the past, I may touch on topics that provide insight into who I am today and where I may be going. Of course, some aspects of my family life and work activities may sneak into my blog since I am also a wife and mother.

My blog’s main focus will be on my journey discovering my sexuality, my submission, and the boundaries of my adventure. I welcome comments from like-minded individuals.